If aliens are as divided as us, we’re basically screwed

China just rolled out its “555” space plan, 50 countries, 500 research institutions, 5,000 researchers. Sounds impressive until you remember how humans operate: it’s less a moonshot, more a cosmic three-legged race where everyone falls over arguing about who picked the wrong leg.

Now imagine aliens. We always picture them as a united, advanced species arriving in perfect formation, all glowing robes and infinite wisdom. But what if they’re just like us, fractured, corrupt, greedy, and prone to stabbing each other in the back for a better parking space? Suddenly first contact stops looking like a Spielberg movie and starts looking like an interstellar boardroom brawl.

Picture the scene: one alien faction sees Earth as a charity case. Another sees us as cheap labour with bonus meat. A third thinks of us as a quarantine zone that should’ve been incinerated millennia ago. And because bureaucracy is universal, all three arrive at once. Congratulations, humanity, you’re now the disputed territory in someone else’s office politics.

Of course, we’d make it worse. Imagine alien probes landing in Washington and Beijing on the same day. The US would claim exclusive rights because the aliens spoke English with a Texan drawl. China would claim exclusive rights because the aliens were holding a moon rock. The rest of the world would be left squabbling over whether we should side with the shiny benevolent-looking ships or the ones offering suspiciously good deals on “energy infrastructure.”

And here’s the rub: we’d probably take the worst deal. We’re stupid like that. Dangle a flashy gadget, a few promises of limitless power, and we’d sign away Antarctica before anyone asked why the contract was written in plasma blood. By the time we realise we’re the resource, it’ll be too late.

Think about UFO sightings through this lens. Maybe some really are scientific scouts. Others? Sales reps. And some? Just smugglers joyriding through the sticks. That’s why one craft leaves a cryptic monolith, another chases a fighter jet, and another steals a cow. Because why not. To them it’s all equally meaningless.

The nightmare isn’t alien invasion. It’s alien competition, factions with different agendas circling us like vultures. One offering salvation, one offering enslavement, one offering a quick sterilisation so nobody has to clean up the mess. And us, standing in the middle, too busy fighting over hats and pronouns to notice we’re the punchline.

So yes, maybe they’re coming. But don’t expect a united galactic empire. Expect bickering, rivalries, and paperwork in triplicate. Expect humanity to grab the wrong hand extended to us, because the other one didn’t come with a free iPhone. And expect the cows to keep vanishing, because apparently that’s just funny.